Prone to Wander

It has been awhile, dear bloggers. But I have missed writing what I am learning...it helps me so much to apply it to my life. So I pray that it speaks to your heart and encourages you to action.


“Sarah, I wonder if you could look at it as if Christ is your husband and He sits waiting for you with open arms while you play the harlot, running from Him?”
These kind and ever so gentle words (ha) from my mentor Jeanie felt like a ball of fire that bounced off every uncomfortable corner of anything hidden in my heart, exposing and enlightening until nothing was left uncovered. You can imagine how shocked my face looked at this point in time. I had no words.
She was right; I was running. I was rebellious. I was angry. I wanted to sin and keep doing it and I was finally going to choose my path and not feel a twinge of guilt. I had succeeded in hardening my heart and had almost made it through her interrogation unscathed. The comment felt like the horns of Jericho supernaturally knocking down what I had thought was a carefully constructed fortress. I was down for the count.
Hosea could have given Jeanie a run for her money. When God chose him to speak to the nation of Israel, his first instructions were to marry a harlot. Thus Hosea became an example of God and his wife who had been a harlot, Israel. I never knew there were such rich treasures in this prophetic book.
In Hosea 2:2-5, the Lord speaks of Israel’s unfaithfulness. He says, “Plead with your mother, plead- for she is not my wife and I am not her husband-that she put away her whoring from her face…for their mother has played the whore; she who conceived them has acted shamefully.” Quite a pill to swallow.
Israel had been worshipping other gods in the pagan countries around them. When there was famine or drought, they would worship Baal instead of their own One True God. (1 Kings 18-19) They had broken their “marriage” covenant with the Lord by being unfaithful—in Jewish law this was punishable by death. But God disciplined and did not destroy.
As I studied this passage, I couldn’t help but recognize how my own heart has done this so many times. It’s easy to point at Israel and see how different and sinful they were. But what reasons did Israel chase after other gods?
1) They were rebellious sinners. Isaiah says we are all sinners, and that none are good. We have all turned aside. (Is. 53:6) I know I have.
2) They exposed themselves intimately in the culture around them. I.e. through marriage, etc… They had become “of” the world, not just “in” the world. 1John 2:15-17) Our culture has unfortunately crept further than it is welcome into the Truth of Scripture and the lives of believers.
3) When trials struck, they placed their hope in something else. They did not trust God to provide. How often do we rely on our own strength or on the strength of our friends, family, alcohol, etc.?
Suddenly, Israel doesn’t seem so different, do they? They were just screw-ups like us and yet God had mercy on them. And He would eventually extend that mercy to the rest of the sinful world. (John 3:16) That means He has extended that grace to us. Even while we were sinners, that is when Christ died. (Romans 5:8) No matter how much of a “whore” we have been. No matter how deep in the hurt of our lives we have dug ourselves. He waits with open arms. All He asks is for faith that He is enough. We simply must believe and follow Him.
For me, it is a constant turning back around and running back to his arms. My husband has infinite grace and mercy, infinite love that He never holds back no matter how much I may hurt Him, and infinite power to constantly be working in my heart and changing it daily to be more and more like him. Why would I want to run?

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.”

Painting Pictures of Egypt

Sometimes songs say it best...

Painting Pictures Of Egypt

I don’t want to leave here
I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
The places I long for the most
Are the places where I’ve been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith
It’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable
When you move so much
The place I was wasn’t perfect
But I had found a way to live
It wasn’t milk or honey
But then neither is this

CHORUS:
I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me
Cannot hold the things I"ve learned
And those roads closed off to me
While my back was turned

The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise
And the things I know

BRIDGE:
If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick
I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

Here

I've never given up so much for You
I've never been quick to obey
But this time I knew the voice was You
And so I gave all I gave

I’ve heard it said that when You’re needed most
Sometimes it seems that You’re not there
So it’s been hard to love the choice I chose
When it seemed to me You’d all but disappeared

But now You’re here just like the sun after the rain
And now You’re here just like the calm after the waves
And I don’t mean to sound surprised that you’d be near
But yesterday I wasn’t sure
Praise God You’re here.

I’ve heard that even in the eaglets’ nest,
The mother watches when they fall
And they would never learn to spread their wings if she came right as they called

And so I'm falling in the open sky
And it's been hard to even breathe
I've been waiting for a Father's love to carry me
To carry me


And like the years before I met you, you were still there
Though it took so long to see you, you were still there
And you're still here

--Katy Kinard

Heaven's Glory Flood

If I were to pick a learning concept I love the most, it would be analogies. They resonate with me. So much that I feel them reach deep into my heart and pull unresolved thoughts and floating emotions to the surface of my life, rotate the puzzle pieces of my mind, and then snap them into place. The result: a beautiful picture of God’s grace. Every time.

God brought me one such analogy today. I’ve been His child on the run—resisting rest, resisting reason. Wanting to do it all on my own-prove my abilities. Deep down I knew stopping would be the best. I could trust Him to meet me and fill me—or could I? Fear that seeking Him would once again be empty and fruitless kept me from stopping for weeks. If I were honest with myself, however, I would acknowledge that the empty and fruitless places came from me trying so very hard on my own strength. So I just told myself to “buck up,” I pushed forward and all the while He was gently calling me to stop and take in all He has for me.

So finally I did today. I pulled up in my heatless but dry car to the flooded Lake Ella with some praise music and my bible study. I studied Galations with John MacArthur and praised God with Meredith Andrews. Once in awhile I would glance up at the mom and pop produce stand which had inserted itself in front of the now overflowing lake. After awhile, I noticed a curious child, maybe 5 years of age, with a bowl haircut like Jesse’s twins on Full House. He was uninterested in the produce stand, nor the people in it who were now shoveling water out of their temporary location. He romped around, feeding ducks and chasing squirrels. But at some point I looked up at him and couldn’t help but laugh. He was standing out in the rain with his head thrown back, mouth wide open, drinking in all the rain would give him. Then, almost immediately, he pulled his head up, unable to stand any more water than had already filled his mouth (and probably his lungs), and he giggled with glee.

This was repeated over and over again, and, as I watched his mirth, I remembered doing the same thing as a child. Such pure and untainted joy. Suddenly the analogy occurred to me. This is what God has been asking from me for weeks! I could almost hear Him saying, “Drink, Sarah. Just open your mouth, throw back your head and forget all that troubles you. I will pour my living water in you and you will thirst no more.” He has promised to fill me. He has promised that He is enough and so I want to believe Him. I need to believe Him.

And so, with a mouth wide open to His goodness and grace, I am resting and satisfied. May I never leave. But, when I do, let it never be for long. “This human cup cannot contain Heaven’s glory flood.”

Hope

Hope. The very pronunciation of the word seems to lend a calmness and peace that drips off the tongue and lands in the soul of the hearer like a drop of clean, cool water on a July day. Whenever the word is uttered, all of us receive, whether we know it, a mental picture corresponding to its meaning. A personification of whatever or whomever we believe to be hope. But what is it really?

Since the past election, “hope” has been quite the buzzword in the United States. Living in the capital of Florida, I often notice pictures of our President with that word in bold letters as I drive around town. It has certainly stirred an emotion in countless minds and hearts around the country.

While I am sure President Obama wishes the best for us, he really has no power to give us a true hope; an everlasting hope. There is only one true Body of Water from which the streams of hope flow. Romans 5:1-5 teaches us that God allows suffering, and suffering produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope. And this hope, Paul says, does not disappoint. It will not bring us shame. Because it is rooted in the Author of Hope Himself.

Take a moment and try to think of something or someone on this earth that, if your hope was placed upon, wouldn’t at some point bring you shame and disappointment. Could you think of anything? Hmmm…Economy? Have you read the news? Your spouse? They will disappoint. Your career? Will it last? What will happen when it’s over? Nature? Think again, nature is slowly degrading. They will all bring you shame.

Hope, in the Biblical definition is not a “wish” as we so often think of it. The Hebrew words used often in the Bible for hope are yachal which is translated “to expect, to wait for” and qavah which translates “to look for eagerly, to lie in wait for.” Are you getting the idea that this hope is expectant? Don’t miss that! This hope is secure. It is not just a flippant wish.

I love the word picture that this hope brings. My heart smiles as I allow my mind to go back to elementary school. At that age, my dad could do anything (I still secretly believe that). I was always so excited about him coming home everyday. Once in awhile, especially on days when my mom was trying her hardest to love me and I, in 6-year-old eyes, interpreted this as her trying her hardest to hate me, I would wait expectantly for my dad for long periods of time (30 minutes was a LONG time for a 6-year-old). I would go into the bathroom, drag the clothes hamper that was as big as I was, awkwardly position it right under my front window and sit. Watching. Waiting. I knew he was coming home. There was no doubt in my mind. If he said he was on his way, I believed him. That’s what our Heavenly Father is offering us. That kind of hope times more than we can ever imagine, and all He asks is for our faith. For us to believe Him as well as believe IN Him.

So what does hope mean to me? Well, let’s see…The road I’ve walked the past few months and even past year has been a hard one; a rough one. But I am truly grateful for it because God has promised me so much through hope. He has promised grace. He has promised forgiveness. He has promised restoration—and that means the world to me. He means the world to me. If these past few months had been easy, I wouldn’t be where I am: on my face at the foot of the cross begging for God’s sustaining, loving and tender arms to hold me, hug me, gently correct me, and wipe away the tears of the shame that flow from placing my hopes in a fallen world. Without Him, I would have no hope. Now I have hope from not only all that He is, but also in what He will do in the world, in my life. He makes all things new.

I think that Elizabeth Elliot sums up the idea of hope well when she says, “I don’t know, when I’m asking for something here on earth, what is going on in the innermost shrine of Heaven…I am sure of one thing: it is good….The hope we have is living hope….We wait for it, in faith and patience.”

Hope is my buzzword now. I will hold out. I will wait. I will not give up.

I Believe

When there's nothing to believe in, I belive in you
Forget the past and let my hand in yours be the proof
Though the strong could be my company, you're the one I choose
So remember, I believe in you

I know it feels like every eye is watching you
Waiting for you to fall, expecting you to lose
But I see victory, so all you have to do
Is remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

There will come a day when love will lift you out of here
There will come a day when love will bring the truth
There will come a day when love will free you from your fear
And you'll remember, I believe in you

I believe, even when I see you crying
I believe, let me dream for you
When nothing comes from trying
Remember, I believe in you

Random Catfish Story

Have you ever had moments in your life when you think, “did that really just happen to me? Seriously?” I had one of those moments on Sunday. Although it was quite painful, it was rather humorous as well, and so I’ll share.

Jenna and I had decided to brave the oh-so-early hour of the first service at church in order to drive to the beach, which unfortunately is now 2 hours away. Because of this, I’d just like to mention that I’ve learned how to actually plan for a beach trip. It involves things like towels, food, bathing suits and, oh yeah, sunscreen. These minor details were not always necessary when I lived about 7 ½ minutes from the beach. But, I digress.

Once we arrived at the beach, we had a lovely time of swimming, laying out, and reading our current books in the sunshine. Near the end of our time, Jenna suggested a walk. I love walking on the beach! Something is so magical about walking along a shore of a massive body of water. It reminds me of how small I really am.

We walked about a half mile one way and then turned around, deeply engrossed in conversation. One instant I was listening intently to Jenna talk about some deep life situation, the next instant accompanied searing pain. Something was piercing my foot. I thought I had stepped on a shell, but when I lifted my foot up, an animal was dangling from my pad of my foot. I think it was then that I started to panic. Jenna said I didn’t panic, she said I was totally calm the whole time but if that’s true, I was freaking out in my head. I wasn’t sure what was stuck to me but I yelled, “Get it off! Get it off!” I held on to Jenna as she did her best to do just that. It was then that I realized a dead catfish was stuck in my foot and not coming out. Ew.

“Let me sit down, I need to sit down!” She helped me on the sand as a family came rushing over to lend their aid. Jenna was still tugging at my foot and I felt like the insides of my foot were going to come out with it. Lord, please get it out. I don’t want to go to the E.R,” I prayed. And with that, it was out. I was light headed and in a ton of pain, but I was ok! Jenna said it was in my foot about 2 inches. The family that helped us was staying in one of the condos on the beach and they ran inside to get us water, hydrogen peroxide, and bandages. Thank God for that!

As we hobbled back to our stuff, we couldn’t help but laugh uncontrollably. I’m sure some of the laughing came from gratitude and relief, but you have to admit, it was pretty funny. We kept saying, “Did that really just happen?”

I paid a visit to the doctor yesterday to take make sure everything was ok. They gave me a tetanus shot (ouch) and antibiotics. They also took an x-ray of my foot to make sure nothing was left from the ugly catfish in it. It looked good and now I’m just waiting for the swelling to go down so that I can walk properly again. Right now it is very painful to walk and I’m staying alone so that makes things particularly difficult. However, I’m easily adaptable.

So there you have it: my random catfish story. Crazy, I know. And yes, it really did happen.

Finding Faith

Where is my faith? As I studied this morning about Daniel’s, I cannot help but feel that I’m in a dark maze wandering around in search of a lost faith. Do I even know what I’m looking for? No, it’s as if I am running aimlessly down walled corridors in the dark looking for something that has no form. All the while, Christ is walking next to me saying, “Here, take my lamp and my map and the photo of your destination. Speak with me, I’ll guide you the whole way.” And yet all too often I brush Him off desiring to be the hero who receives the glory of finding it MY way all by MYSELF. And then often it is only when I hit a dead end in the corridor and I lose all hope, that I finally look to my side and utter a desperate and angry “FINE, FINE WHATEVER!” This is a direct quote from a 2 year old I know. Why is it she knows this frustration and these words? Because they are at the heart of who we are as humans.

And so I snatch the map and lamp and start out again. However, once I am almost sure about the right way to go, I thrust it all back in His hands and try it again my way. My way. Not His.

I want to change that. I want to be continually next to Christ pouring over His words with His lamp as my light. I want to be talking with Him, asking what He thinks about every turn. Not just when I hit a dark corner, but always.

What brings me to this confession of my lack of faith? I’m glad you asked. As many of you know, my friend Jenna (whose birthday it is today, Happy birthday friend!) and I have a desire that we believe it is from the Lord and not ourselves. We aspire to have a house geared almost solely to ministry and hospitality for women of all ages (but focused on students). We wish to have a place perfect for early morning coffee discipling (not about coffee—come on, I’m not that much of an addict!), bible studies, parties, crashing spots for the weary, and just a place for someone to listen and be pointed to Christ.

The dilemma: we have no house.

Yes, I understand, that that throws quite a kink in the whole vision. In fact, it’s the biggest and darkest corridor in our maze. Probably the second being that we have no 3rd roommate. We’ve seen a few houses we love, one in particular but money and roommates are necessary. Often, when I’m in situations like this I try to find every way to patch up the situation, MY way and in MY timing. So this time I’m sitting back. I’m taking Daniel’s example of combining wisdom and practicality with knowledge and rest in who God is. He will provide. He will show His glory. Not mine. John 3:30.

So if there’s anyone in Tallahassee who wants to join us in our maze of faith, please let us know. There will be dark times but I also believe there will be some of the brightest moments we’ve ever experienced. It will be a risk and an adventure! However, there is no need to worry! Because most importantly, we plan on staying with the Tourguide the whole time we are traveling. After all, it’s all for His glory, isn’t it? His.

I'll set my gaze on God alone,
And trust in Him completely;
With every day pour out my soul,
And He will prove His mercy.
Though life is but a fleeting breath,
A sigh too brief to measure,
My King has crushed the curse of death
And I am His forever.

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

--Casting Crowns